I would like to introduce you to Yvonne Ingley; a lovely, wise woman I have been fortunate enough to hear speak on several occasions. The last time she gave a presentation entitled: SORRY IS JUST A WORD…. an apology is a whole experience and she was kind enough to write it up as an article for me to share with you. I’m sure you will get as much out of this as I have, and it would be very kind for you to let her know via the comments section below.
SORRY IS JUST A WORD…. an apology is a whole experience by Yvonne Ingley
In the 1970’s, Elton John had a hit with the song ‘Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word’. These days ‘sorry’ seems to have become one of the easiest words. According to an article by Brendon O’Neill, Britons saying an estimated 368 million sorry’s a day of which with no more than a third are meant.
Most of these are the everyday soft sounding sorry’s of politeness:
- Sorry, I can’t talk at the moment, I’ll call you back.
- Sorry, the place is a mess.
- Sorry, could you say that again, I didn’t hear.
or the caustically sarcastic sorry’s
- Well, I’m really sorry that you feel that way.
- I feel so sorry for you.
This is all well and good but what do we do when we want to use ‘sorry’ in the old-fashioned way to express regret, remorse or sympathy.
Debbie Marson said ‘Sorry is just a word, an apology is a whole experience’. So how do we bring about this experience?
Admitting we are in the wrong or have made a mistake is never easy but if you feel bad about yourself or another person there’s a good chance an apology is due.
Here are three simple steps which will help you apologise effectively:
- Be clear about what you are sorry about?
- How sorry are you?
- What do you want to do about it?
A friend had four small children. She was offered a job which she accepted. It soon became apparent that she would not be able to do it. She rang them up straight away and said,
- ‘I’m sorry, I’ve thought about the job and realise I’ve made a mistake. I won’t be able to do it after all”.
Sometimes more is required:
‘I’m sorry to hear your husband died’ is fine but if you arrived at the funeral of someone you hardly knew with the biggest wreath, threw yourself on the coffin sobbing, got drunk at the wake and slept with the vicar, a bit more may be required.
How can you possibly make amends for something like this? Making amends means mending whatever got broken – trust, a promise, a heart….
Here are some examples;
***
Two brothers had not spoken for over 20 years. Their parents died in a car crash. Whatever had happened between them became meaningless in the face of such tragedy. When they met for the funeral, the older brother’s first words were,
‘Forgive me for the past’.
No more was required – all was forgiven.
***
A divorced couple hadn’t spoken for over 10 years. The husband was filled with remorse for how he had mis-treated his wife. He rang her and said:
“For all the pain and suffering you went through when we were married I am truly sorry.”
He was then able to listen while she told him how she had felt. When she had finished,
he said:
“Once again, for anything I ever did or said that hurt you, I am truly sorry.”
The past was healed and both were able to continue their separate lives in peace.
***
Another phrase that helps heal rifts is;
“I’m, sorry for what I did. I don’t want things to be like this between us, what can I do that would make this OK for you?”
***
But what can you do if the person is dead or you don’t know where they are, or to contact them would cause more harm than good? You can still make peace with them. Go to a place where you have memories of them and talk to them as if they were there. Or write a letter but don’t send it, then, when you are ready, burn or destroy it.
I once asked a Catholic Priest if the role he enjoyed most was marrying couples. “No”, he replied, “it’s granting absolution”. Perhaps absolution from our errors, to be able to walk down any street and not fear meeting anyone from our past is the most important thing to be gained from successfully saying SORRY.
Yvonne Ingley
9/08/2010
In the 1970’s, Elton John had a hit with the song ‘Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word’. These days ‘sorry’ seems to have become one of the easiest words. According to an article by Brendon O’Neill, Britons saying an estimated 368 million sorry’s a day of which with no more than a third are meant.
Most of these are the everyday soft sounding sorry’s of politeness:
- Sorry, I can’t talk at the moment, I’ll call you back.
- Sorry, the place is a mess.
- Sorry, could you say that again, I didn’t hear.
or the caustically sarcastic sorry’s
- Well, I’m really sorry that you feel that way.
- I feel so sorry for you.
This is all well and good but what do we do when we want to use ‘sorry’ in the old-fashioned way to express regret, remorse or sympathy.
Debbie Marson said ‘Sorry is just a word, an apology is a whole experience’. So how do we bring about this experience?
Admitting we are in the wrong or have made a mistake is never easy but if you feel bad about yourself or another person there’s a good chance an apology is due.
Here are three simple steps which will help you apologise effectively:
- Be clear about what you are sorry about?
- How sorry are you?
- What do you want to do about it?
-
A friend had four small children. She was offered a job which she accepted. It soon became apparent that she would not be able to do it. She rang them up straight away and said,
- ‘I’m sorry, I’ve thought about the job and realise I’ve made a mistake. I won’t be able to do it after all”.
Sometimes more is required:
‘I’m sorry to hear your husband died’ is fine but if you arrived at the funeral of someone you hardly knew with the biggest wreath, threw yourself on the coffin sobbing, got drunk at the wake and slept with the vicar, a bit more may be required.
How can you possibly make amends for something like this? Making amends means mending whatever got broken – trust, a promise, a heart….
Here are some examples;
***
Two brothers had not spoken for over 20 years. Their parents died in a car crash. Whatever had happened between them became meaningless in the face of such tragedy. When they met for the funeral, the older brother’s first words were,
‘Forgive me for the past’.
No more was required – all was forgiven.
***
A divorced couple hadn’t spoken for over 10 years. The husband was filled with remorse for how he had mis-treated his wife. He rang her and said:
“For all the pain and suffering you went through when we were married I am truly sorry.”
He was then able to listen while she told him how she had felt. When she had finished,
he said:
“Once again, for anything I ever did or said that hurt you, I am truly sorry.”
The past was healed and both were able to continue their separate lives in peace.
***
Another phrase that helps heal rifts is;
“I’m, sorry for what I did. I don’t want things to be like this between us, what can I do that would make this OK for you?”
***
But what can you do if the person is dead or you don’t know where they are, or to contact them would cause more harm than good? You can still make peace with them. Go to a place where you have memories of them and talk to them as if they were there. Or write a letter but don’t send it, then, when you are ready, burn or destroy it.
I once asked a Catholic Priest if the role he enjoyed most was marrying couples. “No”, he replied, “it’s granting absolution”. Perhaps absolution from our errors, to be able to walk down any street and not fear meeting anyone from our past is the most important thing to be gained from successfully saying SORRY.
Yvonne Ingley
9/08/2010
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{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
Thought-provoking article which should help us stop and think more as we rush through life, sometimes bringing pain to those closest to us.
You’re absolutely right Simon, and anything that helps us to consider others more is a good thing…